Caregivers: Denial is a shock absorber, but it has limits
Experts say families must balance natural grief defenses with honest assessments of decline to prevent burnout and ensure proper care for aging loved ones.
By Oliver Bennett ·
For the roughly 63 million Americans who provide unpaid care to family members, admitting that a loved one needs help is often the first barrier they must clear. While denial serves a protective function, specialists warn that clinging to it for too long can lead to physical exhaustion and a decline in the quality of care provided.
Amy O'Rourke, an aging expert, describes denial as a healthy stage of grief that acts as a shock absorber for the body. She noted that individuals move in and out of this state, allowing them to process painful changes without being overwhelmed. O'Rourke recalled a visit to a client whose husband was actively dying. The wife paused the conversation to say they were enjoying their dinner together. O'Rourke left, feeling happy that the wife was consciously choosing to focus on the present moment rather than the impending loss.
However, denial can also manifest when family members fail to recognize their own roles. Gerontologist Sam Cradduck observes that many people who cook meals, purchase groceries, and pay bills for independent relatives insist they are not caregivers. These individuals often define the role narrowly, stating they only become caregivers when assisting with personal hygiene. Cradduck argues that this mislabeling prevents families from acknowledging the true scope of their workload.
The National Alliance for Caregiving estimates that nearly one in four adults in the United States serves in this capacity, though Cradduck believes the actual number is higher due to these blind spots. She warns that when a person says they are fine, it is often a signal that stress is building. This unacknowledged pressure can lead to relationship friction and eventual burnout.
Katherine Ambrose, an aging well coach, advises families to stop interpreting resistance as stubbornness. She suggests that caregivers ask themselves what their loved one needs in the current moment rather than comparing the person to their past self. Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, adds that accepting the reality of decline is difficult because the situation can change quickly. She emphasizes the need to meet individuals where they are emotionally.
For older parents who resist assistance, O'Rourke recommends patience over confrontation. She suggests using gentle, open-ended questions such as asking what the person sees or if they are having a difficult time. This approach allows the individual to engage with the reality of their situation at their own pace without feeling pushed.
Cradduck stresses that honest communication is necessary for support. She stated that she cannot help a family if they are not honest about the difficulty they face. By acknowledging that a situation is too hard, caregivers can begin to take care of themselves rather than continuing to operate under the assumption that they do not need help.
